The Disgraced Governors Talk-Show Wars

By JOE QUEENAN

CNN’s bizarre pairing of disgraced Empire State Gov. Eliot Spitzer and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Kathleen Parker is a watershed moment in the history of television. A slap in the face of serious, professional, respected journalists like Keith Olbermann and Geraldo Rivera, the Spitzer-Parker duo demonstrates that embattled networks will now do anything to build ratings.

The days of serious, cerebral, contemplative programming like “Glenn Beck” and “The Rachel Maddow Show” are officially at an end. By this time next year it will be hard to believe that luminaries like Tucker Carlson and Donnie Deutsch and Jim Cramer once ruled the airwaves. From now on, it’s going to be a freak show free-for-all.

And it’s going to happen fast. Within hours of the news that CNN’s groundbreaking, disgraced-governor talk show would begin airing soon, three other disgraced-governor talk-show programs were announced. Most fall squarely into the Spitzer-Parker mold—in that great attention has been paid to finding one host who everyone pretty much admires and one who has left the governor’s mansion under a cloud.

ABC has already entered the disgraced governors talk show sweepstakes with “Spare the Rod,” a Sunday morning show pairing controversial former governor Rod Blagojevich, currently under indictment for corruption, with New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.

“She’s smart as a whip and he’s crooked as the day is long,” exults an ABC spokesperson. “In terms of bringing complete disgrace onto his office, Rod makes Spitzer look like a rank amateur. He told Maureen she could only be on the show if she kicked back a third of her salary to a trucking firm his cousin Freddy operates down in Moline. The guy’s a natural.”

He’s not the only natural. Another clone of the Spitzer-Parker program, NBC’s “Dixie Crossfire,” will pair disgraced South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford with his lover Maria Belen Chapur as soon as Mr. Sanford’s term expires in January.

“He’s smart, good-looking and a complete disgrace to public office, and she used to be a highly respected journalist,” beams an NBC spokesperson. “And because Maria’s from South America, it brings a nice multicultural feel to the show. The best thing is, we already know that these two have a great rapport.”

Perhaps the most inspired program of all will pair disgraced New Jersey’s former Gov. James McGreevey with recently retired UPI reporter Helen Thomas in a CBS Sunday morning talk show.

“This is a two-fer,” says a network spokesperson. “Jim left office after admitting that he’d had an affair with a guy he’d named director of state homeland security. And Helen recently got the ax because of her vicious comments about Israel. So these two are just naturals.”

Oddly, Connecticut’s John Rowland, who had to leave office in 2004 after being accused of accepting cut-rate home repairs from politically connected contractors, has not yet been offered a talk show.

“Patronizing hookers, or appointing your boyfriend director of homeland security, or claiming to be hiking the Appalachian Trail while you were actually down in Buenos Aires partying with your girlfriend are the kinds of things the public can relate to,” says a CNN spokesperson. “Leaving office because you got contractors to do repairs on your home is a bit chintzy. It’s not outrageous enough. Besides, nobody’s ever heard of John Rowland.”

With most of the charismatic disgraced governors already spoken for, MSNBC has decided to go a slightly different route by pairing Harvard historian Niall Ferguson with disgraced British royal and Weight Watchers International spokesperson Sarah Ferguson in a nightly prime-time talk show. With topics ranging from the wisdom of investing in reverse collateralized mortgage obligations to whether Herzegovina should have remained neutral during World War I, “Fergie vs. the Ferg” promises to be one of the most talked-about programs in years. MSNBC has promised that on nights when either of the hosts is not available, late-night talk show host Craig Ferguson will pinch hit for them.

“Niall’s smart and respected and completely legit, and she’s a shake-down artist, so it’s a marriage made in heaven,” says an MSNBC spokesperson. “In fact, Niall’s really, really smart, and she’s really, really a shake-down artist. So I think we’ve got Spitzer and Parker whipped before the first pitch even gets thrown.”

Finally, true to its iconoclastic tradition, the Fox Network is coming out guns blazing with “Karzai vs. Karzai.” The daily talk show, airing live from Kabul, will feature the embattled president of Afghanistan discussing the top stories of the day with his brother Ahmad, widely believed to be a kingpin in the opium trade.

“The one brother is really smart and the other is a complete disgrace,” says a Fox spokesperson, conceding that the original concept—”Karzai vs. Keanu”—did not pan out. “We’ll let the public decide which is which.”

Mr. Queenan, a satirist, is the author, most recently, of the memoir “Closing Time” (Viking, 2009).